The Lamentation of the Heart

Operative Nyx' Journal

I think I've come to the realization that the Admiral will never be there for me the way I need a man to be there for me. Ofcourse, I will always have him in my heart but his mind is always somewhere else.  I don't know how to tell him because I don't want to break his heart, that maybe it is best for us just to remain collegues. When we are together, the times are beautiful and I forget my troubles.  But I feel like I am asking too much of him.  I can't keep putting him in this position of choosing his job or the relationship, and although it breaks my heart to do this, I think he and I have reached our breaking point.

This is so much like what happened before.  My beloved Jedi offered to leave the order to be with me, but the world needed him more than it needed us.  The world needs good hearted men like the Admiral, it doesn't need an "us".

And when I think about all of those times that he said he loves me or he would leave the Empire for me, a part of me breaks inside.  I am so torn.  I wish this decision were easier to make.